Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Doubt

There is a teaching that lists everything that goes wrong in my head. They are called the Five Hindrances, these emotions/thoughts/vedanas/tendencies that interfere not only with my meditation, but with my spiritual progress. Sloth and torpor, restlessness and anxiety, desire for sensual experience, hatred, and finally doubt. They are all children of my mind, born from thinking. And they come back again and again, when I sit on the cushion or talk to my parents or browse in a bookstore or share in a meeting. They are relentless.

Right now it is doubt. I am doubting everything; my faith in Buddhist teachings, my belonging in the rooms of AA, the ability of my mind to solve everything, the desire to rely on anything but. I know my mind makes me crazy; Bill W. called it insanity, the Buddha said we are all mad. Right now I want a way to reconcile my spiritual beliefs with my sober life. And this is the first time they've come to such a head.

I used to believe in god because it was easy. And what was wrong with that? It made me happy and I believed it to be true, this higher power and benevolent force whom I could appeal to for solace and guidance. And when I realized the fallacy of it I knew I could never go back. Like an alcoholic who knew she could never drink again with a clear conscience, I knew I could never again turn it all over to something else and let them take care of it.

But now I am at that point: do I have to believe in god to stay sober? How do I choose? Delusion over happiness? Would I rather be right or would I rather be happy? At least in the short term?

So Bill W. says:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with god as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

and what would the dharma say?
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that by going for refuge to the three jewels of the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha, we could restore our sanity.
3. Made a decision to let go of that which we cannot control and to take up a spiritual life.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, or acknowledged "all the evil we have heaped up through our ignorance and foolishness - evil in the world of everyday experience, as well as evil in understanding and intelligence."
5. With the ideal of enlightenment in our mind we "confessed our faults" to ourselves and to another human being.
6. Were entirely ready to release all these defects of character, "with our hands raised in reverence and terrified of suffering".
7. Humbly admitted, "just as it is, with its many faults, that what is not good, we shall not do again".
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed (practiced confession) and became willing to make amends to them by acknowledging our actions and striving to rectify them.
9. Made direct amends wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it (practiced confession).
11. Sought through meditation to deepen our connection with the three jewels and to see and accept things as the really are.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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